


TJM Loves Her Friend

by thomasjeffersonsmacaroni



Series: The Other 51 [36]
Category: Various Fandoms - Fandom
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Multi, god taking the form of busta rhymes, holy shit, lightning mcqueen on pixie stix and lsd, meet the author and her friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:49:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10452264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni/pseuds/thomasjeffersonsmacaroni
Summary: An acid-trip adventure through Vegas.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Celestine (not the AO3 user who apparently exists but my buddy and sweet lover)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Celestine+%28not+the+AO3+user+who+apparently+exists+but+my+buddy+and+sweet+lover%29).



> If you are Celestine: Happy birthday! I love you so much, and I genuinely have no idea how we became friends, since you're such a cool person and I'm just a slice of trash who calls herself a writer. Thank you for being my friend and sticking with me.  
> If you are not Celestine: Remember TJM Hates Her Friends? This is written in about the same style as the first two chapters, before I became lazy and devolved into pure shitposting.

One sunny afternoon in April, Jennya and Celestine were getting high in Las Vegas and decided to get married.

"What about bridesmaids?" Celestine asked when Jennya first proposed the idea.

"Bridesmaids are lame," Jennya groaned. "I'd rather just have someone I can defeat in hand-to-hand combat. And that person is you."

"And I only need someone who can defeat me in hand-to-hand combat. And that person is also you. I love you, baby."

But just as they were about to kiss, God Himself, currently in the form of Busta Rhymes, came down from heaven.

"Hello," said God-Busta, for a second morphing into Melania Trump. "In order to get married, you must pass through six valleys of love. Then, I and three holy spirits will bless your marriage with sixty-nine oils."

Celestine and Jennya looked at each other, smiled, and high-fived.

"Let's do this."

 

**Valley 1**

As soon as their hands touched, Celestine and Jennya found themselves in a parking lot.

"What the heck?" Jennya asked. "What do we need to do?"

Suddenly, the loving couple fell over, and they realized that a car had hit them. Upon closer inspection, Celestine realized that the car was Lightning McQueen.

"I LOVE TOW MATER!" he screamed. "I HAVE A KEY TO ANOTHER WORLD! I WILL GIVE IT TO WHOMSTDVEEVER MAKES TOW MATER LOVE ME! KA-CHOW!"

"So I guess we have to make Tow Mater love him," said Jennya. "Where _is_ Tow Mater, anyway?"

Tow Mater was nowhere to be found. As Jennya walked around looking for him, Celestine mused aloud.

"It seems like Lightning is on a mixture of Pixie Stix and LSD. Maybe if we give them to Mater, he'll fall in love with Lightning?"

"Where will we get them, though?" Jennya asked.

"Oh, I have some right here." Celestine pulled them out of her pocket and held them up.

"Do you also have a huge magnet? Maybe we can use it to attract Tow Mater."

"Why, yes, I do."

Celestine held it up, and as soon as she did, Tow Mater SKRT SKRTed up to it. As Jennya watched with awe, Celestine stuffed the powder into his mouth and watched as he drove off to find his true love, Lightning McQueen.

The portal key hit Jennya in the head. The whole time they traveled, she rubbed the spot and groaned.

 

**Valley 2**

Jennya awoke alone and wearing a permissive orange dress. Suddenly, some hoe ass bitch walked into the room.

"Jennya Martell," he said. "My betrothed."

"Who the fuck are you?" Jennya asked him. "And what have you done to my lover, Celestine?"

"Celestine Stark, you mean? Up north?"

"...I guess."

Maybe this was what the valley was about.

"She's ugly, and I hate her. _I'm_ the only love you need."

 _Poison is a woman's weapon._ For some reason, that was running through Jennya's mind as she looked around the room and found a small purple bottle.

"Yes, of course," she said aloud, both to herself and to him. "Would you like this drink? To celebrate our love?"

He moaned with pleasure as he took a sip without even thanking her. And then he died.

Jennya spat on his body and then moved to her desk. Frantically, she scribbled out a letter, addressing it to Winterfell, and found the raven room.

The largest raven was uncomfortably buff and also thicc, and he looked her straight in the eye as he did ab workouts.

"Jennya Martell," he said. "I will take you to Winterfell."

"...sure?" Jennya said, raising an eyebrow and throwing her letter in the trash.

The raven picked her up, and they SKRT SKRTed all the way to Winterfell, where Celestine, dressed in cozy-looking furs, was waiting and crying.

"I am here, my love!" Jennya exclaimed. "We must go now! Together!"

The lovers embraced, and they didn't even notice as they were carried away to the next valley and separated again.

 

**Valley 3**

Jennya was wearing a permissive dress again, only this time it was red, and there was an inner pocket with a note inside of it.

_Get almost a thousand dollars, and you win._

_Yes. I can do this._

She knocked on the door of the nearest house, and she saw... _Celestine._ She was wearing an emerald green suit with white frills around the arms and neck.

 _Celestine!_ she wanted to scream. _Give me a thousand dollars!_

But what came out instead, in a melodic tone, was:

"I know you are a man of honor. I'm so sorry to bother you at home, but I don't know where to go, and I came here all alone."

_No. No. No._

"My husband's doin' me wrong, beatin' me, cheatin' me, mistreatin' me. Suddenly he's up and gone. I don't have the means to go on."

"O shit waddup," said Celestine. "Let me give you thirty dollars."

Celestine went inside and came back with a wad of cash.

"Here. Take it," she said, shoving it at Jennya.

Jennya took it and counted it.

"Uh," she said, "this isn't thirty dollars. This is $999.99-"

But that was almost a thousand. And as soon as Jennya realized it, she and Celestine were whisked away before Jennya could even figure out who else was who.

 

**Valley 4**

Celestine had been crying for days and days.

She had broken faith with her original betrothed, Sean, to marry some random girl named Megan, who had turned out to already be married. And now Sean had refused her, and her life was over, for sure and forever.

A knock on the door, and Jennya came in, softly and quietly. Jennya was already married to Patrice, Megan's sister, but Celestine knew that she hated every minute of it.

"Celestine. I have Sean's love letters."

"Sean." Celestine turned around and looked at Jennya. "He's your friend, right?"

"Yes, a very dear friend. Why?"

"Will you tell him..."

"...tell him?" Jennya prompted.

"...tell him to forgive me?"

"I will. But I have his love letters."

"Oh, I know he doesn't love me. I'm ruined, soiled, _dirty._ No one will ever love me. I wish I were dead."

" _Stop!_ _"_ Jennya screamed, holding out her hand. "Your life is before you. Years and years of it."

"Maybe for other people, like my cousin or...Megan. But not me. All is over for me."

"All over?" Jennya didn't know what made her say this. But she was saying it anyway.

"If I were ten times better than what I am, and therefore even the tiniest bit worthy of you, and if I weren't married already, I would get on one knee and propose to you right now."

Celestine sniffled and rubbed her eye with one hand, smiling weakly with gratitude.

"Jennya, I..."

"Don't say anything. I have to go now, anyway."

By now Jennya was crying as well, and she turned away so that Celestine did not see it. But Celestine went to her and hugged her tightly and cried onto her shoulder, and then the tears came uncontrolled into the fabric of her dress.

And it was somewhere in the middle of that hug that they were separated once more, and Jennya found herself staring at a splash of yellow.

 

**Valley 5**

"BA-BA-BA-BA-BANANA, BA-BA-BA-BA-BANANA, POTATOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jennya smiled in spite of herself as she looked around at the little Minions surrounding her, and she smiled even more widely when she realized that she, too, was wearing a Minion costume, and she had Patrice, the greatest Minion lover of all, by her side.

"So I guess we have to find Celestine?" she asked. "To escape this valley and go on to the next one so we can get married."

"Let's find Celestine!"

Patrice and Jennya separated to wade through the pool of Minions to find Jennya's lover. It took hours and hours of searching, but eventually she was found, listening to rap music and leaning against a building.

"Celestine!" Jennya exclaimed, running to her, but this time her lover flinched away.

"Don't come near me."

"Huh?"

"I said, _don't come near me_ with that Minion costume. Take it off or we won't get married."

Jennya squeezed her eyes shut to hide her tears. How could her beautiful wife be so mean to her? __How could she give her up just like that because of something as shallow as a love for cute little Minion creatures?  


"Fine!" she yelled. "Fine! I'm never taking this costume off, and if you don't want to marry me because of it, then too bad. I'll go marry Patrice, the greatest Minion lover of all."  


Something flashed in Celestine's eyes - perhaps a memory of a past life, or a past valley. What had even happened in Valley 4, anyway? Neither of them remembered it.  


"Patrice," said Jennya, eyes still damp with tears, "will you marry me? We can raise a Minion family and be happy together-"  


"I OBJECT!"  


Celestine suddenly came bursting in, earbuds flying out behind her, eyeliner still somehow on point *does okay symbol with both hands*.  


"I'm sorry, Jennya. I'm sorry for letting you go just like that. Will you still agree to marry me?"  


"Of course, dear."  


Jennya turned around, kicking her leg out behind her and knocking that hoe Patrice over, and ran to embrace her Celestine. And as they did, they were carried off once more, this time together, just as they were meant to be.  


  


**Valley 6**  


"Just kidding!" God, still in the form of Busta Rhymes, said as they arrived. "I ran out of ideas, so you don't have to stay here. You can leave and get married now."

  


When they got married, Jennya was still wearing her Minion costume, and Celestine was wearing a huge white sign that said "NO MINIONS ALLOWED." It was a miracle to God and his three holy spirits, Tupac, Harambe, and Sarai, that they could even love each other at all.  


It was still kind of a miracle to Celestine and Jennya. But in that moment, they were so elated that neither of them cared.  


**Author's Note:**

> Celestine, I think the difference between you and Patrice is that while she requests a fluffy college AU Stormpilot fic for her birthday, you request fuckin Lightning McQueen on Pixie Stix and LSD.


End file.
